i don’t know. i admit that i’m deeply conflicted on this issue because my experience of it has been so different from so many of those presented in the comments. i might take a lot of flack because of this, but it seems to me that there are any number of adoptions that occur (sometimes long) after birth that nuance the birth-bedside relinquishment model that has been spoken of so poignantly here. not to discount those experiences; i have wept bitterly the past few nights as i’ve read the copious comments. in my experience, the truth of the matter was that my sister the birthmother, was truly incapable of raising healthy children. she couldn’t do it. it wasn’t her fault, but she didn’t have the tools necessary to do even a passably good job of parenting, and over the 6 years that she had the children that became abundantly clear. the high numbers of grandparents raising their grandchildren (particularly in communities of color) points to a very different adoption causal map than is prevalent in this thread’s comments. while i hear and grieve with those who relinquished children shortly after birth, unwilling victims of Teh Patriarchy (TM), as someone who cleaned broken glass, cat shit, chicken bones, and blood off of the floor of my kids’ room in her house, i can’t help but think that this is a better life for my kids than living with their birthmother. it’s a painful and traumatized life for the kids and for us and for my sister the birthmother, but the alternatives were toxoplasmosis and death by strangulation.

i don’t disagree that the adoption machine is deeply and irrevocably flawed in all of the ways detailed in the comments above, but i have to think that in some cases, the alternatives are even worse. while i grieve for my sister and other birthmothers’ daily trauma, i also grieve for her/our sons who smear their own shit on the walls in their school’s bathroom and who can’t sleep because their memories haunt them. who can dare to measure such intangibles and determine which pain is greater? on what scale? with what criteria? we do the best we can and make the most out of shitty situations.

for me as a black gay man with strong feminist underpinnings that has meant trying to be the best parent i can be, providing our boys with loving support, therapy, and infrastructure, but also dedicating myself to a career in the non-profit arena that attempts to address the underlying structural causes of this mess: poverty, racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, and the like, so that others do not find themselves in the perplexing and endlessly painful conundrum so many of us have been forced into. our personal situation could conceivably have been HUGELY different if our natal community had a different perception of mental illness and no fear of the medical establishment, or a different religiopolitical profile, or a hiigher SES, and it’s a fucking tragedy that those things remain unaltered and so resistant to progressive change.

i’ve been reading this blog for as long as it’s been around and i have to say that this thread has been the most painfully eye-opening to date, and for that i’m thankful. algetic conditioning is a requisite of evolution and i can honestly say that i have grown as a result of this post and the subsequent commentary. peace and blessings to all of us, and healing.

Because everyone was a kid and most of us have opinions about the brats that parents let run around and don't control and then get angry with us when we get fed up and tell the kids to behave themselves.

What’s Hot at Parent Parenting Quiz – Are you raising a mean girl: Are you raising a mean gi..

Christian parenting curricula and videos from Dr. Kevin Leman. Titles include Value Packed Parenting, Making the Most of Marriage, and Single Parenting that Works

I’m a high school teacher (math). I don’t think this article is well written. However, I can also attest that students of nearly every economic group have cell phones, video games and internet access. These are all of course wonderful things if a child is taught to use them appropriately and in moderation. I would hope that other share my opinion that that is largely a job for parents. But that is the real problem, bad parenting. Obviously there are bad teachers, and bad teacher training programs that need to be dealt with. But even if we fix those problems (which we wont of course!) we will still not achieve much better results if the parents do not raise and look after their kids properly.

awesome blog

I can relate to some of the feelings you describe. I am a birth mom. I don’t feel greif as intense as some others might, I have an open adoption and I find that helps me alot.
As for abortion, I am pro-life. Why? simply because of the scienific fact that a fetus is a complete human being. To tell you the truth, those pro-life posters of dead babies got to me when I was quite young. I placed my son for adoption at 26 years old. I was not too young to parent. I was employed, in a commited relationship, mostly. The father decided against a marriage relationship but we remain friends.
Anyways, personally, when I became pregnant the thought of abortion was *not* something I was willing to consider. Mostly because ever since I learned about the basics of human reproduction at the age of nine, I actually wanted to be pregnant. Now, I knew I didn’t want to be a single parent. I gave the birth father a whole nine months to decide whether or not he was willing to be my husband, therefore have the right to be a parent. I was not willing to do anything else. Sometimes I wish I had been now that time has pasted. It has only been three years. I do not have the lifetime of experience many of the other commenters have. Or that you, writer of amazing words abviously have had.
I am lucky to have had support for my issues as a birthmom. There is a group available to me. I do have friends who recognize my grief and are a great comfort to me.

Although, I will always wonder why the adoption agency I placed my son through did not follow through on there promise of counselling after placement. The social worker I had there(that I LOVED because she recommended parenting often, only hardened my resolve to place, reverse psychology?) left shortly after I placed and so she wasn’t available.

Many of the things you say are very true. I agree with some of the posters who state the positives of adoption. I also agree with the negative things.

For the most part I think that at best pro-lifers are not really aware of the facts about birthmoms.
At worst they choose to ignore the feelings of birthmoms because they just can’t handle them.
Most pro-lifers think they are doing a good thing, promoting life.

My stance is this, I did not cause my sons heart to beat inside my uterus, I did not have the right to make it stop. I did not cause life to happen I *allowed* it to happen even though I technically had the power to stop it. Having the power to take life doesn’t mean that it’s right. Life is messy, really really really messy, bad stuff will happen, good stuff will happen, I don’t think I have a right to decide whether or not someone(even a fetus) gets to live just because I think that person will have a horrible life.
Who am I to decide what a good or bad life is??? No, I am do not think that I should decide that.
I know that I decided to have sex, I knew the risks very well. I know many others did not decide to have sex, but suffered the consiquences anyways, but like I said, life is messy, really really messy. I think that most would like to live anyways, even if it is really messy.

Prepping for parenting salon tonight. Torah + modern psychology + smart folks + Rabbi facilitating + snacks = great conversation. #Kavana

— JP – My suggestion is simply that you look to the entire spectrum of economic theories for guidance. Those of us who were adults in the 1970s were very concerned about the Keynesian-based economy. Those who were adults in the 1930s mostly welcomed government assistance to the economy. Most businesses are not run best by civil servants – their mindset is inappropriate. The statistics on the rich get richer, etc. often depend on careful selection of test groups. What has occurred over the Reaganomics years is that houses got bigger, we are better educated, we have more cars, more toys, better clothing, higher levels of home ownership, especially when the two-parent family is the group compared. Much poverty is the result of single parenting. And there is nothing wrong with hard working people getting very rich. They do distribute their wealth to those less wealthy when they buy goods and services.

Why is Obamanomics a sneer and Reaganomics not? If you have a better term for the current guiding theory, besides the “best one”, I’d be glad to use it.

Greg – Your “I’d point out that Republican deregulation was arguably the biggest issue in this crisis coming to fruition.” Maybe, maybe not. Banks are heavily regulated. It was the GSEs that were allowed lower capital requirements. Greenspan said the problem was foreign capital. Clinton and Rubin agreed to deregulation. Economies rise and fall, and rise again, we hope. Let’s just keep our minds open.

This reminds me of my sister. She is an accomplished physician who then wants to be a perfect homemaker and then allows her kids to bully her with their "preferences". This ad doesn’t surprise me, but I’d like to see more parenting-positive ads such as Verizon showing how their online access can have parent(s) and child look up paella on the web before preparing and eating it. That’s what we aspire to, but we’re still on Formula.